There I was, knocking on the gates of hell. They slowly opened, the silence was total and then a dark demon hiding in the murk asked for my name.
“Paranoid Sun,” I replied with great bravery.
“The automatic system does not approve of the name,” the demon growled.
“Damn you! Fucking goatpoker!” I grunted and picked a name at random.
The gates opened and I was free to walk into hell.
Now stop and think about it for a moment. Giving the name that all my friends online know me by, is not allowed, but lying is perfectly OK since the machine approves of that. This, my friends is the difference between heaven and hell. If you try to lie your way into heaven your ass will be kicked out.
Well inside the gates of hell, a demon roars its ugly head, “Security Check!”
I try to read the damn sign, maybe that’s a “q” or is it a “o” or... I make a wild guess.
“You took too much time to complete the security challenge.” The demon kicks my ass and I have to start all over again.
“Goddamn knickers sniffer,” I grumble while I struggle to get those fucking letters right.
Fuck Yeah! I’m in, now I can find Stone Dözer and ... what the fuck!!! Another demon pokes me and wants me to give him the names of my friends. Never! I’ve sold my sold but I won’t sell the souls of innocent people. My education or lack thereof is not something I’d tell the demon either. Employment? Oh for fucks sake! Get out of my hair already!
And there I am, in my own personal corner of hell. Empty, if you don’t count the cobweb in the corner. This place is mine and my first concern is the fucking name I blurted out to get in. What’s the point of having a corner in hell if no one you know can find you there? I find the edit button and ... what the hell does all those things mean? What is what and what does it do? I poke around and I find a perky demon who tells me that people in hell have to use their real names so that their friends can find them.
“How fucking daft can you be?” I roar at the stupid thing. “I can’t use the fucking name that people know me by. How the hell will my friends find me then you fucking turd?”
The demon just stands there, silent, and I realize what hell is all about... stupidity beyond belief.
More demons appear, asking more stupid questions.
I shoot them down by telling them, “That’s none of your fucking business!”
“Creating content with this name is not allowed!” the demons shout.
“This is my fucking corner of hell! I own this shit! I make the goddamn rules you nincompoops!”
The demons go, “Neener-neener!”
I’m at wits end and I’m about to nuke the whole damn thing, including my laptop, to oblivion. Then suddenly, Stone Dözer appears on my screen as a reminder of why I’m working my way through hell. The goal is close, so close I can taste it and I stumble over the finish line and hit the “Add as Friend” button.
Triumphantly I stagger out of hell. I did it. I went through hell and back.
I'm no longer Paranoid though, I'm Para Noid because that's the closest thing the fucking demons let me post. Anyways... This is the link to my FaceBook. Feel free to visit me in hell and hook up. It's hot, it's steaming and it's void of information that makes any sense at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment