The Wall

The Wall - Pink Floyd

My vacation turned out to be a minor disaster. Tornadoes passing through, cold rain and then tropical heat, mosquitoes an masse and by the end of it I was even more tired than when I left home. (That's a bad thing since I really needed to get away to reload my batteries.) Things can't possibly get worse can they? Well, they can. By mid-June I realized that no one I knew had died in May. For a brief moment I thought that the four deaths in four months was nothing but a sad but odd occurrence and that it was over now. Thinking is a dangerous thing. A few days later I got news that two friends of ours has died in a freak accident. Now there has been six deaths in six months. We'll run out of relatives and good friends if this keeps on happening.

OK, so my mood wasn't all that great when I got back home. I stepped through the door and ... my home was in chaos. It seemed as if they thought that I took the dishwasher, the washing machine and the vacuum cleaner with me when I left. I spent two days cleaning and washing to get things back to order and I was balancing between furious and simply too tired to feel anything. Then there was the issue of explaining why my husband still need home care and why I can't be his 24/7 nurse and caregiver. I had to go through his illnesses and describe them and when I looked through the information I realized that, he is still dying. That he is doing better does not change the fact that he will die from his illness.

That was the last nail in the coffin and I smacked my head straight through the wall. I didn't realize it at first. I just felt sick. I was in pain, I was dizzy and felt nauseous, I couldn't sleep, but I could barely stay awake either, I couldn't get things done and I couldn't eat. After a while I managed to get myself to a doctor and he told me that I'm experiencing "burnout". I didn't believe it. Such things are for people who work and try to do too much with their limited time. That's not me. I'm wrong of course, the doctor convinced me. The situation with my husband and the demands it puts on me is more than enough. The doctor suggested that I should "ask for help" and apply for home care for my husband. That's the part when I really snapped. I've done just that for over a year now and nothing has changed. By the end of it all he gave me a bunch of pills and a pat on the head saying "good luck now".

Well... I'm back and  I have a lot of catching up to do, when ever I'm up to it. Stone Dözer and Dead Gumbies have posted new vidoes to their YouTube channels while I've been away and I haven't had a look at them yet. I've also got a stack of mails that I should reply to... later. Everything I do goes in slow motion as it is now.