Three Deaths in Three Months

Death Dealer - Frank Frazetta

It's a bit hard to wrap my mind around it. Three deaths and subsequently three funerals in three months. Is it supposed to be this way? Growing old that is. Is this the future? People dying all the time? If so then I don't know if I want to be part of it.

My husband is hospitalized again. The loneliness is killing me. Well, not really killing me but it's driving me insane. Really. My paranoia is blooming and sprouting. In my sane moments I tell myself to get help, but how do you get help when everyone and everything scares you? I haven't bee out of the house since ... that's... lemme see now ... uhm... It's been a while. I'm covering the windows and locking the doors. There was a strange phone call the other day and now I'm not answering the phone either. I'm in massive pain, or at least I think I am. The pain keeps me awake at night and a zombie-like state during the days. Or perhaps the later is the painkiller's fault. I'm taking a lot of them now. Not that it makes any difference, I'm still in pain.
I'm not depressed though, not at all. I just wish I was dead. There is a difference, right? I dream of dying, when I manage to sleep, and I think I find at least 10 different ways to die during a night.