Diabulimia.

I've never lied to a doctor, at least not when I've gone there willingly to get help. To lie to a doctor when you are seeking help is a waste of time and money as well as plain stupid. I didn't want help when I was younger, I just wanted to do my thing but things changed when I had kids and I've been seeking help since then, to no avail. The doctors simply don't understand that it's not just as simple as not doing it. I've been laughed at and even ridiculed for knowing that I have a problem but being unable to deal with it and stop on  my own. Not once have I been offered help or even a little bit of understanding because I simply don't fit the idea that they have of how a person with an eating disorder look and act. Diabulimia is not a recognized diagnosis, you have to have either anorexia or bulimia or you don't have a problem.

I know very well that it's the stress that I've been under lately that's making me crack. I'm on the juice again, I'm depressed and my self image is totally screwed up again, ergo; I've cut back on my insulin. I've bought new clothes and shoes, I've fixed my hair and bought even more makeup and I've exercised far more than I usually do but I'm still seeing a fat ugly bitch when I look in the mirror. I want those extra pounds gone. I don't think it will make me happier or that my life will suddenly change for the better once I've lost them, but I want them gone and I'm dramatically cutting back on my insulin again so that I can get there.

It's phucked up but it's life and it doesn't get any better than this.